I had an experience over the weekend that so scared me that it actually hurts me to write about it. I was a guest in someone else’s house. It was nearly dark and I found myself in the kitchen. The kitchen was filled with normal kitchen things and harmless kitchen appliances until suddenly, the music from jaws started to play. Da-dum,…da-dum…duh dadadadada dum. And then I saw the most terrifying thing you could possibly see in the kitchen. No, it wasn’t a man eating monster made of moldy, old slime, and dripping disgusting gel-like substance from his clawing hands. Oh, that it would be. It was something else far more horrifying. It was a digital scale!
I haven’t stepped on a scale in recent memory. I can tell you one thing. You wouldn’t catch me having something that diabolical in my home. Where I sleep. Where I eat, Where my granddaughter comes to visit.
I wouldn’t have a scale in my home, because scientific studies have proved beyond a doubt, that scales attract gravity. A leading cause of being overweight.
I walked around the scale very carefully, trying my best not to wake it. But it was calling to me. I began to hear the music from “Jaws” again. Eerie music. Spine tingling music. I felt that the scale was closing in on me. I tried my best to ignore it. Here I was, a guest in someone else’s home, and this diabolical machine was beckoning me.
I decided I was going to be brave and I would just step on the thing one little time… the music became louder… and when I saw the number on the scale, I knew right away one unmistakable fact…the scale was broken!! Through some kind of digital error, the scale was giving me the weight Mojo the sumo wrestler, … or his Buick.
I wonder why any sane human would put a scale in the kitchen. I have come to the ugly truth: I am overweight. It is not my fault. My body has been converting the food I eat into fat. This was something my body did without even consulting me.
Not only that, our bodies don’t really want us to let go of that fat. When we cut back on the food our body thinks that we are trying to starve it and it automatically slows down the metabolism. Now how’s that for a dirty trick our body plays on us. It just goes to show you that you cannot trust your own body. I have known that for years, that body of mine has been in all sorts of trouble, and it was my bodies fault, not mine.
I realize that I will have to make some changes. While I was watching golf just this weekend my girlfriend told me that I should be getting more exercise. So now I watch Tennis and basketball.
I have accepted that if I want to lose weight, I will have to bite the bullet. (The bullet is fat free.) I have already began a very rigorous regimen of watching T.V. infomercials with models that have perfect bodies working out with all kinds of contraptions that have one basic thing in common: they fold for easy storage.
But that alone, I know, will not get me into shape. For that you need real action, so I also bought an issue of “Mens Fitness” magazine. It is full of pictures of men whose “abs” look like little “gerbils” buried under the skin.
So, If my body would stop playing all those tricks on me – maybe I would treat it better.