I have updated my will, which as you know is a document that instructs your survivors what to do with worldly assets once you end up on the wrong side of the grass.
I also made sure I had what they call a Living Will, which instructs my doctors and my family what my wishes are regarding my care and treatment in the event that I am incapacitated and cannot express my own wishes.
When I looked back on what happens to me at each and every birthday, (on April fool’s day) I need to be very clear on my wishes and I saw that it did not address all of my concerns. Basically, I think my family will make the right decisions about the medical stuff, but I want to make sure that I do not have endure certain torments if I can avoid them. Therefore I publish for all to read, and take note of: MY AUXILIARY LIVING WILL CONCERNING PRACTICAL MATTERS.
TO: My Family, my doctors, my nurses and my friends:
I, Douglas Q. Public being of semi-sound mind and slipping memory, do hereby make, publish and declare his to be followed along with my “normal” Living Will. If a time may come when I can no longer make decisions of my own, this should stand as a declaration of my wishes.
First, if I should take a sudden turn for the worse, I desire that my physician is not anyone named Kervorkian.
Second, I direct that my radio in the hospital room not be tuned to any country western stations and that the station be changed if any song concerning truck driving, old pickup trucks, prisons, cruel fathers, rejection by women, and car crashes is played. Also, turn off the TV during soap operas. This directive is to be followed even if I am in a coma.
Third, if some kind soul should take the time to read to me, it is my fervent wish that no western novels be read or anything that Rush Limbaugh or Glen Beck has authored. Saucy paperbacks are fine, and please feel free to skip directly to the “good parts” of the book and read them over and over again.
Fourth, it is my wish that no person shall enter my hospital room bearing helium balloon bouquets. Also, any gifts or cards with the likeness of Garfield the Cat will not be tolerated.
Fifth, leave your small children at home and feed them your own candy and let them play with their own toes and tubes.
Sixth, at no time, including birthdays, New Year’s Eve, graduations, Valentines, or Independence Day shall anyone place a paper or plastic party hat on my head.
Seventh, if I must be hooked up to any machines for my survival, I direct that none of the machines be activated or de-activated by someone entering the room and clapping their hands.
Eighth, No more than nine hundred dollars worth of hospital jell-o in any given week. This would be equivalent to about 10 ounces.
Ninth, If any election should take place while I am incapacitated, mark my ballot for anyone who is running against or even remotely connected with Donald Trump.
Tenth, If, in the unfortunate event, the time may come to donate my vital organs, please do so, but get a receipt in case the Republicans make it tax deductible.
No peas, guacamole or mayonnaise.
This statement is made after careful consideration and in accordance with and following my firm convictions.