Formal Announcements

An image of a Man Reading Letter.

We all get formal “announcements” from our friends and neighbors for those special occasions such as weddings and graduations, etc.

I recently received a formal “announcement” for a less formal occasion.  It came in one of those double envelopes complete with that useless piece of tissue paper and the card printed in that fancy script style. The announce message read as follows:

“Elliot wishes to announce that he has officially retired.

He will now spend his time traveling and visiting friends and places”

As soon as I read the news that my friend, former classmate and colleague was retiring, and sending me an announcement to that effect, my first thought was, “what a jerk.” He was obviously rubbing it in. Making sure the rest of us knew that he had made more money in a shorter time. I was suspicious.

I also got to thinking about what kind of mail we would be getting if that “announcement thing” really caught on as a method of informing others of nearly every new event – and if they had to truthful. For example:

Rev. and Mrs. Malcolm Highcollar announce with chagrin and frustration that their teenage daughter,

Prudence, has received multiple body piercings and a tattoo for which she has been grounded

Until Thursday the first of June, Two Thousand Twenty Four.

Warden  Willard Wilderman of the federal penal institution wishes to announce,

 detail to the laundry room at the Rock Island facility effective January 1, 2000.

The promotion within the cell block of inmate no. 783692, Rocco Bonzotello, from the garbage can

Doris Deeppurse ecstatically announces that she has recently been conferred the honor of a

Platinum VISA card inclusive of an increased spending limit and credit privileges

And will celebrate with a three day trip to the Mall of America.

Ferdie and Louella Finster are deeply embarrassed and humiliated to announce

That their only son and namesake, Mort, has flunked out of State University

And will commence employment at Al’s Car Wash of the first of the month.

Stan “Hulk” Studley is proud to announce that he was able to “make out” with

Homecoming Queen Charlotte Cheetle in the back seat of “Toad McFarleys 1989 Ford

In the school parking lot after the North High football game on Oct. 21, 2000.

Mr. Louie McFeely announces with fear and trepidation the auditing of his 1996 and 1997

Income Tax returns beginning February 19th by Nevin “no nonsense” Nerdlinger.

A Farewell potluck supper will follow.

Felicia Grundy announces for all the world to know, that her husband, Gaylord is engaged in

A sordid little affair with his bleach blonde secretary, Bambi.  Mr. Grundy may no longer be

Reached at 555-1357 and anyone in the area may stop by and pick up any personal items

Which are strewn about the front yard.

Ethel Swartzwall announces with concern and anxiety, her upcoming gall bladder surgery to be

Performed next Tuesday the 9th of August at the Surgery-Is-Us Medical Center with the

Procedure under the direction of  Iggy Wochuck, M.D.  Visitation to follow.

Doug announces with a certain amount of fatique and weariness that this is the best he can think today and will try to do better in the future.

2 thoughts on “Formal Announcements

  1. I love it Doug! Darn, hubby and I semi-retired in October, sorry I didn’t send you an announcement. Oh wait, I didn’t send them to anyone! LOL


    1. Martha, you are always so kind in your comments, and I appreciate it, enjoy your semi-retirement! But don’t sent any of those announcements with 2 envelopes and that useless 3×5 tissue paper, thank you very much.


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