If you remember in one of my earlier posts, entitled “redecorating the house,” I was wondering whether I would live through a remodeling project without losing the small grains of sanity I have left. I wondered in print why anyone who is burdened with a Y Chromosome would ever be caught dead in a furniture store. I now have the answer.
If there was any reason why a man would want to go into a furniture store – I have found that reason! It came to me in my Sunday paper. I was minding my own business in my basement on a Sunday afternoon doing three of the things that I do best: reading the paper, watching the NFL and not giving a damn.
Now, typically when I am reading the paper, I go through it and take all the advertising flyers out and get rid of them right away. I usually pitch them without even looking at them. But, this time one of the items caught my eye, it was a man sitting in something that looked more comfortable than I was at that time – and I can tell you, I was pretty darned comfy.
Without the least bit of exaggeration, I can tell you in all honesty, that I was looking at the finest piece of furniture that I am sure has ever been made since caveman stopped sleeping on rocks. Well, hose me down with Valium, I finally found something worth going into a furniture store for.
It was a large – not large, . . . LARGE, as in MASSIVE! It was an overstuffed sectional sofa that bends around the corner of the room and available in leather, four manly colors and – the men are gonna love this – camouflage. Talk about something with a practical use that you can spill on with impunity. And it was massive! The arms were so big and overstuffed that you would never have to put those dainty little matching pillows on this couch! It was divided into about five sections, and each one of the individual seats was a separate recliner – A RECLINER! Wow! The recliner is one of man’s remaining strongholds in this world.
That, however useful as it seems to all of you men out there, is not the real beauty of this excellent piece of furniture. That is not the real crowning achievement. Get this: two of the center seatbacks fold down and forms a flat surface where there are two can holders apiece, a holster for up to four remote’s . . .AND. . . drum roll please . . . a plastic lined cooler that holds up to a six-pack on each fold down section. If a person had what they call a “Texas Catheter,” he wouldn’t have to get up at all during an NFL doubleheader.
Imagine! A cooler built right into the sofa. It almost brought tears to my eyes. This is an example of progress that is right up there with the wheel, the barbeque grill or the internal combustion engine. I looked at the ad again and I could just see me sitting there. Sometimes opportunity knocks, but this opportunity was juggling the doorknob!
When the Brunhilda came down into
my domain which is the basement I showed her what I thought would be our next
furniture purchase with more optimism than a public radio fund drive. (She is
the household guru on all matters of fashion and furniture.)
I could see by her uncontrolled laughter that she was giving my idea some serious thought. When she stopped laughing, she said: “you are showing clear signs of stupid bordering on derangement.” Being a maturity impaired individual, I pushed on with the many things that would make this the ideal furniture purchase for our home. She looked at me like I was a bad smell. A look that would rot rhubarb, right on the stalk. She told me that it was tackier than five yards of flypaper and she would shoot any delivery man who tried to bring it to our house. It didn’t take a squadron of rocket scientists to know that I was going to crash and burn with that little idea. It was like leaving Fido’s fate up to a jury of cats.
Ah, well I suppose that I am going to just have to watch the Super Bowl in my own chair without can holders . . . and without a built-in cooler . . . and one that doesn’t recline . . . or have a holster for my remote.
Just let me say one last thing, any man who will tell you he is the boss in his home, don’t trust him, because he will lie about other things too!