She Knows Everything!

There is one thing that living with someone for a long time, and it is not necessarily comforting, convenient, to us men. Men are pretty simple beings. Not nearly as complex as the even the most simple woman. So, it seems that the fairer sex is way ahead of us. This encompasses that the Main Squeeze not only knows what I am thinking but worse, she knows what I think when I say something else. There is no fooling the Main Squeeze. She knows that when I say “Take a break, Honey. Your working too hard.”  What I really mean is “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”  Damn!, It is tough to get away with something when someone can see right through you.

So, when I say one thing – The Main Squeeze hears something else. Like when I say, “Oh, don’t fuss, I just cut myself. It’s no big deal.”  She hears: “I have actually nearly cut my finger off, but I will bleed to death before I’ll admit I’m hurt.”

When I say: “It would take too long to explain it to you.”  She knows that it means: “I have no idea how it works.”

When I say: “We’re going to be late,” She knows that I mean: “Now I have an excuse to drive like a maniac.”

“Can I help with dinner?”  Means to her, “Why isn’t dinner already on the table?

If I were to say, “I am going fishing.”  The Main Squeeze would interpret that as: “I am going to drink myself silly and stand by the lake while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“You know how bad my memory is.”  Means. . . “I remember every hit I got in little league, the words to a dirty fraternity song, and the vehicle identification number of every car that I have ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary.”

“I heard you.”  Means. . . “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, but I am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you won’t be mad at me .”

“You look terrific! Let me buy it for you!  Means . . .  “Oh, God! Please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving!”

“I’m not lost, I know exactly where we are.”  Means. . . “If anyone sees us alive again – it will be a miracle.”

“I can’t find it.”   Means . . .  “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.”

“It’s a guy thing.”  Means . . .“There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“Hey, I got my reasons for doing what I’m doing.”  Means . . . “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“It’s a really good movie.”  Means . . .  “It has guns, vampires, fast cars, and beautiful women.”

“That’s women’s work.”   Means . . . “It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”

“That’s interesting, Dear.”   Means . . .  “Are you still talking?”

“We share the housework.”  Means . . .  “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”

“What did I do this time?”   Means . . .   “What did you catch me at?”

“Uh huh,”  “Sure Honey,” or “Yes Dear”   Means . . . Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.

4 thoughts on “She Knows Everything!

  1. Thank you for explaining that. This should be put on a poster to put on everyone’s fridge.

    Or – you could actually try honesty. Gasp.


    1. I think that it would find it’s way to multiple Fridge’s. And I suppose I could try honesty but if I told like it is — it maybe wouldn’t be so funny. I think the humor lies in exageration or understatement. Thank you for reading this, I can’t wait to see what your wrote today. I feel like we are friends now.


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