The Main Squeeze is redecorating my house. I don’t think that I will live through it. I doubt that there is very little that is more oppressive to anyone who is burdened with a Y Chromosome than a remodeling project. Part of the ‘Y’ Chromosome pathology is that we don’t know half of the time what our “better half” is up to. Every woman has her “ultimate vision.” No person burdened with a ‘Y’ chromosome is genetically allowed to even have a hint at what the ‘ultimate vision,’ is.
Those that are not burdened with a Y Chromosome (those are our wives and girlfriends by the way, in case you are not an amateur geneticist), seem to always have a “vision.” No matter what the vision is, no matter how simple it is, a man can’t grasp it.
The Main Squeeze has said to me on several occasions. “What do you think if we did this?” This is a ruse. She is only placating me and reeling me in like some sort of fish. She is making me look like I had some sort of say in this. She has no idea that I can’t see what she visions.
She might say; “how do you think a print fabric chair would go here?” Don’t be taken in, they don’t care and all they are doing is making you think that you have a stake in this. We men don’t know what a print fabric chair unless it was physically in the room. Even then I have no idea how it looks.!! And I am like most men. We acknowledge that we are handicapped in this area. If I were to redecorate a house by myself, it wouldn’t be near as complicated as women find it. Let us say that the average man was to decorate, say . . . the living room. Start with a chair or better yet a recliner, (any color will do), a 39-gallon cooler, an ottoman, (again any color will do), a massive T.V. screen, (the larger the better) with the screen facing the chair. DECORATION PROJECT FINISHED!
If a man would ever walk into a furniture store, he wouldn’t have to spend hours. He would just walk in and point to something close to the door and tell him to put it on the truck and then leave and go drink beer and scratch where it itches or something like that.
Better yet men wouldn’t go into furniture stores unless dragged there by a member of the feminine persuasion. They would just call the store.
MAN: (on the phone) “Hello, is this the Acme Furniture Company?
SALESMAN: “yes, it is, how may I help you?”
MAN: “Send over some furniture on your next truck.”
SALESMAN: “Well, I need to know more. What kind of furniture do you want?”
MAN: “Well then send over some blue furniture . . . On second thought . . . make it brown. On account of spills and such. Yeah, that’s it! Send over some brown furniture. About 4 or 5 pieces ought to do it. And make sure those delivery boys space that furniture in the house evenly. I got a decorating project going on.”
But, as you all know, that is not how it’s done. Wives and girlfriends have to complicate everything to the point where no decorating project is truly done. They will wait for years just to get something like a pillow “completes” a room, and by that time, the other things that they have put in their homes are threadbare, or they are tired of it and it starts all over again.
I don’t think women can help it. I believe
they have a gene that draws them into furniture stores. When they actually get
it in their home, they have a gene that makes them move furniture around. It’s
not their fault. It is much like the gene in men who watch 12 consecutive hours
of football every January 1st.
Well, I suppose I can’t complain too much. The Main Squeeze is making our house a home with her “ultimate vision” – and if she wasn’t – how the hell would I know?