If I Were King

It has been said that each person should try to leave the world a little bit better place. It is sort of like the rent we pay for having a place on this earth. So far, in my short and largely misspent life, I have failed in my efforts to be appointed King and ordering the changes I think would make this a better world. I have many views on the mistakes that I believe the creator made, but they are just views and I would not place myself in such authority as to question the creator’s judgment on such things. So I will limit myself to the “little” things that maybe I could control if I were the King. (But I really wanted  to ask the creator one little thing, “why would you give dogs such a loving and loyal nature and make them part of a family and then give them such a short life span?”) Just asking.

            So for my meager part, as King, to make the world a better place, I offer the following suggestions:

            First of all, no Christmas decorations until after Thanksgiving.  I think that Thanksgiving has given the short end of the stick as a holiday and I think it is a very special holiday that should not just be the “green flag” for shopping.

            Restrooms having only hot air blow dryer should be abolished. Have you ever washed your face in a restroom only to find the only method of drying is one of those stupid dryers?

            Anyone who sells merchandise that requires batteries and sells it with “batteries not included” should have to have to pay a fine. If it is a child’s toy during the Christmas season, then the fine is tripled.

            Sponsors cannot show the same commercial more than twice and hour for a show lasting an hour. Twice is enough. After that, it becomes irritating.

            If you MUST play music over the phone system while I am on hold, at least give me a choice of the music I like and NEVER, EVER play country western music. And while we are speaking of phones, let’s get rid of call waiting altogether.

            No more movies about (and obsession with) the Titanic. The ship sank nearly a century ago. Get over it.

            Fire departments should no longer waste their time getting cats out of trees. You do not tie up millions of dollars worth of equipment many man-hours of highly trained and well-paid men to save a 39 cent cat.

            Things such as alfalfa sprouts, dandelions, eggplant, arugula, zucchini, and brussel sprouts will no longer be considered food.

            Restaurants and vendors can no longer pad their profit margin by filling my soft drink with ice and then giving me a thimbleful of soft drink. From now on no more than 4 to 5 ice cubes per glass. And while I am at it, no more watering down the ketchup.

            No children in adult restaurants in the evening! What is an adult restaurant? It is any restaurant that sells wine, beer or booze. If I want to eat with screaming children who throw their food and run around the room, I will go to the BurgerDoodle at noon.

            You cannot be both stubborn and stupid. You have to pick one.

            At the grocery store, they have to put everything the middle and old age people want or need where it can be easily be found and reached. Also, everyone should bag their own groceries. Having groceries bagged for you don’t save time – all I am doing is standing in line anyway.

            Waiters and waitresses do not have to introduce themselves and tell me that they will be my server. I figured that one that out already and I am looking for a meal and some service, not a relationship.

            Anyone who is too cheap to leave a helpful tip to waiter or waitress for good service should be made to wait tables themselves for at least a month.

            A person who punches the button on an elevator over and over rapidly, thinking it will speed up the car they are waiting for would be taken out of the general population for a few hours and refrigerated so they can “chill out” a little.

            The following would be a crime:

            *Messing up or not showing respect for a man’s newspaper before he has read it.

            *Clothes that have the designer names plastered all over making the person wearing them a human billboard without paying that person wearing it. Face it, it’s just another ad – only it’s walking and talking.

            *Parallel parking attempts by people who don’t know how to parallel park.

            * Having a set of double doors as an entry and locking one of them.

            *Little messages that come over the phone when I am on hold that tell me that my call is important and a representative will be with me shortly, or you will call me back.  If I were as important as you say, you would have a real person answering the phone.

            *Having your phone answered by a recording that makes you punch numbers and never lets you speak to a real human being.

            *People who take their shirts off while cheering at a football game are guilty of an infraction.  If it below freezing, then it is a misdemeanor.  If the whole row has something spelled out on their chests, then it is a gross misdemeanor. If it below zero and they have misspelled any words – then it is a felony.

            *Polka and accordion music.

            *TV political ads a month prior to an election.


            The following would be charged with a felony:

            *People who talk and bring cell phones into a theater.

            Hospital visitors who tell you the patient that their aunt/uncle/cousin had the same thing and suffered terribly before they died a hideous death.

            Well, this may not be a very complete list but is all I can think of on short notice and besides, it would make the world a better place, wouldn’t it?

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