Wallpaper Caper Round 3

I have found that there are a lot of grounds that people who want to get a divorce use to dissolve a marriage. Abandonment, adultery, cruelty, irreconcilable differences come to mind. I do not think I have ever seen a petition for divorce that lists “wallpaper” as a grounds for the breakup of a marriage. That new ground may soon be broken.

Men everywhere have never been able to figure out why women have this need to have men so heavily involved in their own pet projects. What man has not had the experience of being dragged through the various women’s departments drapes, dresses, bedding, kitchen, and the thing that really puzzles us men, is that you don’t a want or listen to a man’s opinion anyway.

I remember a trek through the bedding department with Brunhilda recently:

Brunhilda: “How do you like this bedspread?”

Me: “I like it. If you want it we can buy it.” (I thought that if we bought it, our shopping trip would be cut short.)

Brunhilda:  “You have got to be kidding! This is dreadful and nine different kinds of ugly and I would never let it into our house! How about this one?”

Me: (thinking that I had caught on) Yuch! Hate it! Hate it! Hate it! Phooooey! Ptew! Ptew! Ptew!

Brunhilda:  “I kind of like it. I think it would go well the carpet.”

But I digress, The point is, women seem to have a need to do these home projects. Men just become entangled in them. I do not want to sound like a broken record, but this is the third NFL weekend that I have been enmeshed in some sort of wallpaper project. I feel like I have wallpapered the Hindenberg.

So on Saturday morning, I was first fed and then unceremoniously handed rolls of wallpaper and pointed to the work area. Now before I go any farther, I want to add that I diligently commenced work without a whimper or a whine. I figured that if I got right on the job that I could get it all done on Saturday and have Sunday to lounge around in case the Vikings scored a rare touchdown.

“Man plans –God laughs.”

Let me recount some of the things that conspired to rob me of all my dwindling supply of good humor. First of all, I tried to strip the ugly wallpaper that was there. After working at this chore for roughly a half hour, I had cleared a section of wall about the size of a postage stamp. I determined that the paper was clinging to the wall using either sheer ugliness or else it was applied with the same industrial adhesive used to put Teflon on fry pans.

O.K. I reasoned, I will paper over the top of the existing wallpaper. Which I did. After I had papered about half of an entire wall, I noticed that now the wallpaper was starting to bubble. Well, isn’t that convenient? I couldn’t get the old paper of using one of those tools that dentists to remove dental plaque, but now it was bubbling under the new paper!

“Unacceptable! Take it down.”  Said Brunhilda the Taskmaster. On to plan ‘C.’ I realized that I was going to have to cover the walls with primer and sizing, (2 coats) By the time I was done with that chore, it was late and one single piece of wallpaper was on the wall and the next day was NFL Sunday.

The next day I put my frustration aside and tackled the job. Today I was hindered by Brunhilda’s dissatisfaction with the speed at which the job was progressing. That was minor.

Stepson Chipper must have invited the junior high football team (offense and defense) to come to the house at ten-minute intervals and in the meantime turned his stereo up to the triple-mondo-death-blast to drown out the annoying sound of the doorbell ringing. But I could hear it from where I was working of course—on the top of the ladder!

Now throw in that both dogs had been dining at Le Bistro de Garbage and had developed diarrhea, and you have a pretty good picture of my day. I had the entire perimeter of the room covered with drop cloths. They covered everything except a small 2 X 2 area right in the center of the room. Guess where the dogs chose to relieve their intestinal distress????

For the rest of the day, it was: climb the ladder holding nine feet of wet wallpaper, then scurry back down because some teenager rang the bell or some dog came around the corner looking stressed out and doing sort of four-legged jig.

All I know is fair is fair. The next time I have a pick-up full of garbage that needs to be hauled to the dump or getting the tires rotated or doing an oil change and lube job, I want Brunhilda to come along so she can share in my projects.

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