I never thought that when I brought into my home, that I would have to learn a different language. Three as a matter of fact. I don’t know what to call these foreign tongues but it seems that the only ones that speak it fluently and can understand it without missing a syllable are teenagers. So I am going to label this talk as adoloscese, for lack of a better name. There seem to be three dialects, depending on the age and gender of the teenager speaking.

Now one dialect, I think they adopted from the Native American Indian. They were very stoic and didn’t use two words when only one would do. Chipper has adopted this dialect. This dialect is heavy on grunts and I spoken by most teen boys who I suspect would rather have red hot steel slivers shoved under there toenails to speak in whole sentences. A conversation with Chipper would go something like this:

Parent:  “How was your day today?”

Teen:  (shrugging)   “Mmunngh.”

Parent:  “Are you still doing well in Science?”

Teen:  (nods)  “Guess so.”

Parent:  “I am so excited for the band concert. Will you be playing your trumpet in the concert?”

Teen:  “Uh-huh.”

Parent: “How is the team doing?’

Teen:  (frowning now)  “Kay, I guess.”

Parent:  “Why don’t you want to talk about your day?”

Teen: (Surly now)  “Jus’ did.”

I understand this, teen boys are very insecure and don’t like to talk. Brundhilda, on the other hand, thinks her boy is on the road to hell.

The girls, Bathsheba and Cleopatra are just the opposite. I call it a constipation of substance and a diarrhea of words. Bathsheba, who always considers herself on the cutting edge of coolness uses a dialect that I can never see myself using;

Parent:  “How was your day today?”

Teengirl:  “Oh migod! (taking in a big breath of air so she doesn’t have to stop with her rant.) Okay. Alright. Like, it was like totally incredible! I mean, like TOTALLY! Okay? I was like at my locker, Okay, I was like between Science and English class – Ooooooh, like I hate that class like so much. Mr. Bunson is like such a total dweeb. He’s like . . . Duhhh! Okay, anyway, like me and my friends were like just standing there, and like this totally rad guy walks by. Omigod!! I think he like winked at me! He is so rad! I mean, like to TOTALLY! He like smiles at me! And I am like, WOW! This is like s-o-o-o-o totally cool. Like, Ya know! And one of my friends says: ‘I think he totally likes you.’ And I am like, ‘you think so?’ Cuz that would be like so rad. And she goes: ‘Hey, like duhhhh.’”

This goes on about 10 minutes, it seems like with one breath.  I think you can see why I need to study this language so I know what is going on in my own home.

The Third dialect is one that Cleopatra has mastered. I call it the question dialect. Everything is a question.

Parent: “How was your day at school?”

Teen:  “In Science class? You know 5th Period? So ya’ know Clint? He is the new kid? And ya’ know Calvin? Ya know he sits right behind Clint? In Science class? And you know how Mr. Tremble leaves the bunsen burners out? And Calvin ya’ know? He hooks one up? And he is like pointing it at Clint ya know? And Clint? He tosses a paper airplane? And it got close to Calvin’s bunsen burner, ya’ know? And it started on fire ya’ know? Was Mr. Tremble mad or what?

If you are worried about the English language and hope it can recover from this onslaught of Pseudo-English, I have confidence that this too shall pass. Do not despair.

In the meantime, like. Okay. Ya’ know my blog? How it comes out like every day? Well, I will be like totally here again. Okay? So, like, I’ll see ya’ tomorrow? Rad!

2 thoughts on “TeenSpeak

  1. Oh, thank you for that post! I also do not speak the language of my adolescent son. Although I can decipher the angry grunts, it’s the normal, nothing’s-wrong-but-there’s-not-much-to-say responses that make conversation difficult. I’m pretty good at *teenage girl,* but like, not because I was one or anything? 😉


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