Unnecessary Announcements

We all get formal “announcements” from friends, relatives, and neighbors for those special occasions such as weddings and graduations.

I recently received a formal announcement from a good friend of mine who I worked with and had shared many social occasions. It came in one of those double envelopes, (one is not enough?) and complete with that useless piece of tissue paper, (an equally impractical piece of pomp,) and all printed in fancy script style.

The announcement message read as follows:

Elliot wishes to announce that he has officially retired and will not work anymore. I will spend my time traveling, and visiting friends and places.

When I read that, you may think that I thought “good for him,” or “he deserves that retirement,” or “isn’t that nice?” but I didn’t think any of that. What I did think was: “What a Jerk!”

He was obviously rubbing it in. Making sure that the rest of knew he made more money in a shorter time.

I also got to thinking about what if this caught on as a method of communication. Who knows what “announcements” would be delivered to our homes if this turns out to be the wave of the future. I thought of a few “announcements” that the future would bring unless we stop this nonsense in before it becomes popular.

The Reverend and Mrs. Malcolm Highcollar announce with chagrin and frustration that their teenage daughter, Prudence, has received multiple body piercings and a tattoo for which she has been grounded until the end of the month.

Warden Willard Wilderman of the federal penal institution wishes to announce the promotion within the cellblock on inmate 302-1576, Rocco Bonzatello, from the garbage can detail to the laundry room at Rock Island Facility effective April 1, 2019.

Doris Deeppurse ecstatically announces that she has recently been granted the honor of a VISA platinum card inclusive of the increased spending limits and credit privileges and will celebrate with a three-day trip to the Mall of America.

Ferdinand and Louella Finster are deeply embarrassed and humiliated to announce that their only son and namesake, Mort, has flunked out of the State University and will commence employment at Al’s Car Wash as of the first of the month.

Stan “Hunk” Studley is proud to announce to all the world, that he was able to “make out” with Homecoming Queen Charlotte Lowpants in the back of “Toad” McFarley’s 2014 Dodge Charger in the parking after the North High football game.

Mr. Louie “Loophole” McFeeley announces with fear and trepidation the auditing of his 2015-2017 Income tax beginning March 29, by Nevin “No Nonsense” Nerdlinger. A farewell potluck and kegger will follow.

Felicia Grundy announces for all the world to know that her husband, Gaylord, is engaged in a sordid little affair with his bleached blond secretary, Bambi Boomaloom. Mr. Grundy can no longer be reached at 555-4957 and anyone in the area may stop by and pick up any personal possessions which are strewn about the front yard.

Mrs. Mia Chrondiac announces with concern and anxiety her upcoming gall bladder surgery to be performed next Thursday, April 4th at the Surgery-Is-Us Medical Center with the procedure under the direction of Iggy Wochuk, M,D. With visitation to follow.

Finally dear readers:

Dakota Doug announces with a certain degree of fatigue and writer’s block that he is going to watch SportCenter and go to bed.

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