The Darwin Awards

There is a book called THE DARWINS, and it is loosely based on Charles Darwin’s work on evolution. It is based on the act that the slowest or least intelligent will perish leaving the fastest or most intelligent to survive. This is kind of like a pack of wolves on the hunt. The slowest ones are the first to get caught and eaten where the more swift one will outrun the wolfs.

This is true of the least intelligent and so the Darwins are a compilation of people doing stupid things and either getting hurt or killed. The upshot of this being that some people do things that are so stupid that they kill or maim themselves thus “thinning out the herd.”

So with this explanation, I give to you, the six stupidest things that people have done to earn a place in the Darwin Awards.

Sixth place goes to 22-year old David Hubal, who died when he hit a lift tower at Mammoth mountain and ski area while riding on a foam pad. He and his pals apparently hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and removed some yellow foam protectors from lift towers designed to protect skiers from hitting the towers. The tower he hit (ironically or justifiably, you take your pick), was the one with its pad removed.

Fifth Place goes to Robert Puelo, 32, who shoved a hot dog into his mouth in a St. Louis market and walked out without paying. He was discovered prone in front of the store, choked to death by the six-inch wiener lodged in his throat.

Fourth place goes to Spanish poacher Marino Malerba who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock outcropping and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

Third place goes to a Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, who bit down on a blasting cap as a prank at a party in West Virginia, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.

Second Place goes to Tony Roberts, 25, who lost his right eye during an initiation into the Mountain Men Anonymous rafting club in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert’s right eye, went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, somehow missing all major blood vessels.. Said Roberts, “I feel so dumb about this.”

But I am sure that with such an array of stupid behavior you are eager to hear about the winner of the Darwin awards.

John Pernicky and his friend, Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to “hop” over the nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. Unfortunately, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side. Having heaved himself over, Pernicky found himself crashing through a tree in a fall abruptly broken, (along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Figuring the bushes below would break his fall, he used his pocket knife to cut away his shorts. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into the holly bushes, which scratched his whole body, and without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum while his pocketknife penetrated his leg. Hawkins then threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck, but in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence, which landed on his friend and killed him. John was discovered deceased, half-naked, scratches all over his body, a holly stick up his ass, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a branch above.

You know I think it was Mark Twain who said: “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”

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