Weddings – Man Style

I was reading a journal that I kept some years ago and one the entries was a wedding that I had to go to. Did you get that? I HAD to go. This is a true example of the book, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” Women drag men to weddings.Women go because they WANT to be there. Men, not so much. And women cry at those occasions. Occasions that women say are so happy. A man who is dragged to one of these “occasions” who does not have a clean handkerchief at the ready, is a fool.

I remember a few weeks later, when I talked to the groom, (I will call him Jerry), that he said he had to grit his teeth so hard, that it would have bought his dentist a new Mercedes with this non stop shopping. He said that every little detail had to be addressed with the deliberate vigilence of a brain surgeon. He told me of his visits to six flower shops before the bride, (I will call her Kim), picked out flowers, a bridal bouquet, bridesmaids bouquets, etc. and she ordered from 3 different flower shops they spent all morning and half the afternoon. The same crusade had to be, what for him, seemed to be a thousand searches. Napkins, table cloths, place settings, centerpieces, ad nauseum.

Jerry finally lost all patience when the bride-to-be said, “Now let’s go and pick out a cake.” Finally, after spending more time on this small purchase than Jerry had spent buying his new pick-up, the bride had it narrowed down to two choices. There was a twenty dollar difference between the two final choices. Jerry, after his last bit of patience had been exhausted, took out a twenty dollar bill from his wallet, laid it on the cheapest cake and said in a strident voice: “Now they are equal! Choose one!” Kim grabbed the twenty and chose the less expensive one. (See how she is becoming a good wife already? And see how when the choice are simplified, that is so much easier?)

The important point here, is that Jerry is using his “guy skills” to cut to the quick and solve the problem. Kim picked up the twenty, the shopping was done, and the twenty stayed in the family. One. Two. Three. Simple.

Men just get to the heart of the matter without needless delay and overkill. Simplicity is the key, and no one will argue that men are simple beings. Women love PLANNING a wedding more than the actual wedding. It is kind of like final four or the world series for men. The regular season leading up to the finals is fun, but when it is all over, we realize that we have to wait until next year. After the wedding, women are looking forward to the next wedding so they can plan all over again.

Simplicity! Now if men planned the wedding, it would be much cheaper and more fun. First of all let’s stop all this fuss about the wedding colors. This is simple. The colors should be the team colors of the groom’s favorite football team. All groomsmen and ushers can wear team jackets. Another rule regarding clothes, women like to dress for these occasions but women are to wear the same dress to all wedding functions. (Ceremony, brides dinner, rehearsal dinner, reception, dance . . . ) This saves the men from going shopping for three or four different dresses. (Do you know how boring it is to sit in a chair at countless women’s sections and hold your purse. And each dress is a separate shopping quest.) WE DON’T CARE!

The reception should either be a choice of pizza delivery or a tailgate barbecue. There should be no need for a rehearsal, but if the bride insists, a kegger should follow. Admission to the actual ceremony would be limited to only those who can show a receipt for a really cool gift. This makes the job of thank you notes simpler too since a standard printed thank you would just be inserted inside the wedding program to save the couple the trouble of writing those time-consuming things in the very busy weeks of marriage.

In rural areas, dogs should be allowed to be part of the wedding party. Dress in their case would be optional.

The hassle and expense of printed napkins seems like such a waste when the grooms favorite brewery prints up millions of napkins and they are available at the local pub. Besides, the napkins printed by the beer companies are usually very festive, and colorful, and absorbent.

This is very important! Only certain months of the year would be set aside for weddings. Weddings dates should avoid the months where it is extremely hot and any month where there is a playoff scheduled for a major sporting event. I believe this leaves November and February. In the event that either of these two months will not work, (we all know times when the wedding is a must and needs to be held sooner than anticipated.) the ceremony should be held on a non-game day or for a short ceremony, at halftime.

Actually my friends and I, who came up with these good ideas, have a lot more, but I am running out of space. (commemorative golf tournaments, recycled flowers from recent funerals, honeymoon highlight films . . . ) I should write a book on men’s wedding etiquette, but first I will have to get the boys together and wrap ourselves around a lot of beer.

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