Too Damn Many Catalogs!

About a year ago I ordered something out of a catalog. I don’t where it came from, maybe it was meant for my Honey and I just ordered something. I don’t even know what it was now. Ever since then I have been getting a lot of catalogs. Most of them end up in the trash. Stop already, you’re killing a forest or two!

There is only one catalog that I have actually ordered from; and I have gotten 7 different catalogs from them in 6 months. Actually they were the same, but they had different covers. This I thought was a dirty little trick so that I would page through the catalog not noticing and buy something. They thought they had been cleverly disguised just becuase the changed the cover from the other 5 other catalogs that I had gotten earlier. Clever bastards!

I have received 11 different catalogs in the last two weeks. That is nearly one a day (excluding Sundays). These are the real offenders. Each one was unsolicited and I have never ordered from any of them. Somewhere, based on the catalogs that I have received, is a profile that has me pegged as a 500-pound hypochondriac glutton shut-in with very poor taste that like to monogram everything from my socket set, to a reusable adult diaper, to an enema douche.

I have catalogs that will deliver any sort of vitamin or herbal remedy, (with added shipping handling charges). (Which begs another question, just what is “handling?” Is handling, taking something off the shelf and walking 12 twelve steps to the shipping box?) These people are offering cures for insomnia, tremors, age spots, nail fungus, hypertension, cholesterol, acne, hair loss, (too late) nervousness, memory lapse (also too late), dry skin, arthritis, gout, sexual inadequacy (no comment), painful rectal itch and an extra thumb growing out of your forehead.

Imagine how comforted I feel. I didn’t even know I was sick! I am sure if I wanted to join the opera and sing at the Kennedy Center, that they would have a vitamin for that.

Two guys name Harry and David want to sell me fruit. At these prices it should be served to my personally in my home with a side of lobster and a rare wine served by the reigning Miss America. I can even join the fruit of the month club. What is that? For $200 the mailman sticks an apple in my mailbox once a month. And get this: it is only for 9 months. Hey Harry, hey David; buy a damn calendar.

I have a 20 page catalog on nothing but pecans, which ounce for ounce are roughly as expensive as gold bullion. But my unfavorite is a 36 page catalog dedicated to the delivery of . . . are you ready for this? . . . Popcorn! Every kind of popcorn imaginable. White popcorn, yellow popcorn, caramel popcorn, gourmet popcorn, microwave popcorn, popcorn balls, and unpopped popcorn. I can get popcorn in three gallon commemorative tins for any holiday, with any cartoon character, sports figure, or even a personalized label! I can order them in 3 gallon pails, 5 gallon pails or a 20 gallon barrel for about $100.

Can you imagine how fresh this popcorn is going to be. I like my popcorn hot! These people will actually think that I will send them a C-note for 20 gallons of popcorn that was popped in Illinois, may be stored in a big bin until it was scooped into a barrel, loaded on the back of a truck and transported cross country, in all kinds of weather, and delivered to my door. Imagine how fresh it will be two labors days from now when we reach the bottom of the barrel. I think that I would rather chew on the soles of my shoes. (A million dogs can’t be wrong.)

Another thing I really hate, is when these catalogs either whine or threaten me because I haven’t ordered. The cover of the catalog will say something like “This may be the last catalog you will ever get from us.” They tell me that for a lack of orders from me that they may have to remove me from their mailing list. This little threat come from a catalog I didn’t want in the first place, They got it from a mailing list that they bought, they cannot spell my name right and they are acting like they are going to cut off my fresh water supply. What do these people think? That if their catalog isn’t in my junk mail that I am going to jump off a bridge?

Nearly as bad is the catalog that doesn’t threaten, they just whine. “We haven’t heard from you in a while.” The last time I got one of those, I used the postage pre-paid envelope that they enclose with the order form, and I said: “Hi! Now you have heard from me. Quit your damn whining and leave me the f**k alone.” Sometimes, I have a way with words.

My Daughter says I am becoming a curmudgeon. Maybe that is true, but part of the blame rests upon the catalogs.

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